Spain - The Beginning

Well, I am at the end of the beginning for getting ready to study abroad. Just turned in the last of my application/visa papers...so now I just wait in anticipation. Of course I need to begin getting everything together that I need to take with me. Which doesn't seem like a lot right now, but I am sure will be a ton.

Spain is going to be such an adventure in my life. I am hoping that it is going to springboard my life. I really hope that I am not expecting too much from it however. I feel like when I am in Spain my life will all of a sudden make sense and I will know who I am for once and blah blah blah. This seems like such a high expectation, however one high expectation that I am really really praying for. I want to come back from Spain and just get it all. Understand what I am here for, my purpose on this planet. It is a long stretch, but I feel like being away from my family and friends is really going to make a huge difference. Having to fend for myself in a place totally out of my comfort zone for 3.5 months is going to be such a challenge, but such a breakthrough.

In my life I have always felt like I have lived in a bubble. One that I have been trying to break my way out of for my whole life. I guess balloon may be a better word for what I feel stuck in. I have always just had an image of myself pushing and pushing on the side of this bubble/balloon (whatever you want to imagine) and having it give but not break. It moves when I push, but there is no way that I am able to break free for some reason. Well Sevilla, Spain. Be the sharp edge that I need to get out. Please. (A breakthrough with my Spanish skills wouldn't be too bad either).

Pues, ahora yo necesito dormir. Hasta luego.

So here I am, working on homework, reading a pointless textbook and thinking of all of the time I have wasted today reading. I do not even feel like reading the Marketing textbook is going to benefit me in any way other than allow me to do well on my next test, which for some reason I am nervous for. Small things. So small. I feel like right now my life consists of so many small, pointless things that I get worked up about. This I do not like. I want to be able to look into my past and see great things, yet all I have right now is school, reading Marketing textbooks and hanging out with friends doing pointless things. I need out. Out of this routine. Out of it all. I need to do something beneficial with my life.

I join clubs, but they don't do much. Environmental Council doesn't really do anything. We sit there and discuss what other people and clubs are doing. Amnesty International...well that lasted 2 weeks and then that fell apart. Not enough people. But that was last year. So now I have a goal. Start up Amnesty International again. This would be such a fun thing to do I think. And then I would have something solid to work on. Something that will make the time I spent on it matter to someone other than me.

However I will be gone all of next fall. In Spain. Which is going to be an adventure in itself. Thank God. I am really hoping that Spain will be the jumpstart I need. I will be out of my comfort zone (hopefully, there are some who think I am just going to be put where I belong...naps, food all day, frickin awesome Spanish language and late nights?? Rock it.) and hopefully able to truly find myself. I have been on this "find myself" kick. Which is very difficult for me. I am all over the place and I move quickly.

Recently I have had a few interview for some summer jobs. Nothing special. 9-5 working on the computer supporting staff. Typical day-job. Which pisses me off. Since when have I ever wanted a typical day job?? Since never. Yet thats what my goal is and I have no idea why. Maybe, I tell myself, maybe this is what you need to do to start off...maybe you just need that beginning experience. I don't know. I hope so. Because in 10 years if I find myself working for the weekend I will be so disappointed in myself. In 10 years I better be doing something worth spending my time on. Because my time is precious. I only have so much of it and it is too precious to be wasted. Much too valuable.

Well, thanks for reading my modge-podge of thoughts that I needed to write down in order to get them out of my head. I guess I will be going back to my marketing book. Lovely night.

The Refusal

I refuse to give others the power to make me feel less important than I truly am.
I refuse to allow myself to be told I am not worth it.
I refuse to believe that I am too small for this world.
I refuse to be someone that I am not.
I refuse to be intimidated.
I refuse to give in to the pressure.
I refuse.

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an uninterrupted cry
Came over houses from another street.

But not to call me back, or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky.

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

- Robert Frost

Silence

Late night is the absolute best time of the day in my opinion. The main reason for this is the peace it brings. While the world around me is asleep (leave alone the few night owls such as myself), I am able to finally think. Living in the dorms has allowed me to find a new appreciation for silence. So I sit here at night, just to be surrounded by the silence night brings me. It allows me to be in peace.

Sometimes however another feeling comes with the silence. That would be loneliness. I don't know why, but the silence also brings the feeling of utter isolation. This is one feeling that I cannot seem to ever cope with. The nights when this feeling creeps up are the paralyzing ones.

So then I take that risk. Every night. Silence and Peace or Silence and Loneliness. I chose to take the risk however, because it is difficult for me to find peace at any other time, but right now.

Today, will never be again.

So here is something I do not understand. When did my life become so complicated? To the point where I am excited when one day is over and irritated when another begins. This makes no sense to me. I mean, I have it all. Friends, family, an education, amazing health, food, a place to live, all the luxurious amenities I could ever want. Yet still I feel so....unhappy.

I'm not saying this in a depressing, I need help sort of way. I am saying this just to try and understand. Understand why I cannot wake up most mornings and be excited to start a new day. Its almost as though I am trapped in a routine. Trapped in doing things one way. School I believe has a lot to do with this. So many expectations, assignments, due dates, exams and meetings. It is overwhelming. Being busy has always been something that I enjoy...but this is not. To add to this, I do not even know what I am here for. They say that you learn about yourself in college, you learn about who you will be. Well since I have been here I have only confused myself. So here I am, double majoring in international business and finance with a Spanish minor, and I have no clue why.

There is one thing I do know however, one thing that has been cleared up for me through this whole college experience. Whatever I end up doing in my life, I want it to mean something. I do not want to be stuck in an office, spending my life working for a business that wont even remember me when I leave. I want to help people. I want to make a difference in someones life.

I do not know how, or when, or where. But this is my one request for my future. Because I know, however unhappy I am, the reasons that I am not joyful are reasons within my grasp, they are changeable. Yet there are people in this world who are not just unhappy, they are suffering due to issues beyond their own grasp. So no matter where this journey through life takes me, my one request for it is to allow me to stop, and help someone whose journey has not been as easy as mine has been. And hopefully, by doing that I can make a small difference in this seemingly large and unchangeable world.

First Time

Hello to the no one that is reading this right now,

So, due to my inability to sleep, I have decided to start a blog. This is something that I have told myself countless times I would never do, yet here I am. Being someone who isn't too open, we will see how long this lasts. Maybe this will be a way for me to get some thoughts out of my head and into the world. Who knows...

So for now, I will call this my first entry and be proud of it.